20 days Post OP

Wednesday, 2/20/13. Well, I haven't written because I just haven't had much to say. It sucks not being able to get to the gym and grind like I did before the surgery this time. I know I will get back to that point, but the waiting around is sucking ass. I went to the gym last night and did Zumba and then got on the treadmill for about 10 minutes. I did some walking and put a little jog in my step. It felt fantabulous!  I have wanted to feel that feeling for so long! The good music and the good company surely made the difference. I can't wait to do it all over again! I woke up to my feel hurting. I think it is time to bite the bullet and get some better shoes. While the Sketchers are good for day to day wear, they certainly don't supportive enough in the arch or in the ankles for the aerobic moves of Zumba or the treadmill.
I got to looking in the mirror last night. I don't see 40 lbs lost. I still see the muffin top. I still see the huge arms. I still see the double chin. Okay, it used to be a triple chin, but still. I am so ready to see the outside reflect the girl that is on the inside. I actually looked at my before pictures for the first time yesterday. I posted them in the original post and will do a side by side with the pre-op pictures from the day before surgery this second time.  I see a little change, but at the same time, I still don't like the girl I see in those pictures. I want to feel beautiful and sexy. Come on already!  Le Sigh. :(

1 Week Post Op

Friday, 02/08/13. I can't believe it has already been a week. It certainly flies by. So, let me recap.
Friday surgery day 02/01/13.

Always love a pre-op picture

I had to be at the surgery center at 9am. I got there and it was rather calm. The waiting room was full of people, but Tiffany and I were just hanging out and talking. (about food nonetheless!) The new lady over the forward circle program came out to meet me and then I got called up to sign all my paperwork. She and Tiffany got in some good conversation. I am glad that just by association I have been able to connect people!   When I got up from the reception area and signing all my paperwork, I got noticed by a lady that had been to a support group meeting. It was awesome. She was concerned that I was having surgery again since she sort of remembered that I had the surgery already. We talked for a bit and I told her about the awesome meeting we had on Tuesday. I really am an advocate for more people coming to the support group.  After I finished talking to her, I was on my way back to my seat near Tiffany and I got noticed by yet another lady that comes to the support group meetings. It was awesome. She too was taken back that I was having surgery again because she didn't make it to the Tuesday meeting. I didn't find out until Tuesday that I was going to have to do this again, so it isn't like I could really tell anyone before then.  I talked to her and it feels good to reassure other people and motivate other people along the way. I finally got to sit and talk with Tiffany and Susie again and got some helpful tips. Good times. I got called back and got prepped, only to have to wait in that bed for a couple of hours. Not too bad. At least the bed was comfortable and the blanket was warm. I got in a lot of laughs with Tiffany before surgery and finally went back at 1 pm.  By the time I woke up in recovery and asked what time it was, it was 330 pm. I don't think surgery lasted that long, but the nurse said they let me sleep a while. I was one of the last ones to move to the recovery area after getting dressed. Right away I noticed I was thirsty. That was a sensation that I hadn't felt in more than 200 days! Holy cow. I think I like this.  I got discharged and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my pain meds and then off to bed.
Saturday 2/2/13. Wow, wtf did I do to myself. Really Amber?  Okay, so it wasn't THAT bad and honestly, I remember hurting more and not being able to get out of bed, off the couch or out of the chair by myself. This time I was doing it alone. I have to admit that I missed having someone there to keep me company. No one to talk to or just watch me snore. Not that I get off on people watching me snore, but there was something comforting about having my baby sister there last time that was just missing this time.  Pain medicine per bottle and sleeping to suit.
Sunday 2/3/13.  Totally not that bad. Sore, but got to get me together so I can get to work tomorrow. I know, I know I just had surgery, but I also know that we are short staffed and I am starting to think that I should have put this surgery off for a week just so that the end of the month and end of the year numbers, spreadsheets, tasks and just stuff I do could get done. Flip side, I needed this to be done already. Time to make sure that I keep some focus on Amber. I miss my baby. :(
Monday 2/4/13. Went to work and I knew the purchasing dude was not going to be at work, so that chore automatically gets picked up by me. That sort of is how it goes since I know the job.  The a/r girl called in "sick" although she took off work early on Friday to go out of town for her birthday weekend. There is something wrong when you sort of just know and can expect behaviors and situations from certain people. Hell, I had surgery on Friday and was still at work on Monday. Priorities people.  A hangover hardly constitutes a sickness. I AM JUST SAYING.  I called the pediatrician and got an appointment for Justice. He had been running a fever since Saturday. Makes me sad that I couldn't take care of him. These are the moments that I wonder if I am doing the right things. I left work for my "lunch break" and went to the pedi's office only to find out that Justice tested positive for the flu. :| So, great. Just had surgery and vulnerable and now I have to call the doctor and find out if I need to be put on Tamiflu so that I can decrease the risk of me getting the flu since I really can't afford to sick with that and trying to heal from surgery. I tried to take it easy, but with all the up and down and moving about, I hit my threshold at 2 pm. My PCP called in a script and I went to pick it up. $55 for that Tamiflu. OMG. I took my pain meds and got in the bed. I felt like I was going to pass out.  I woke up and drank some broth and took the Tamiflu and then I got nausea. I hurled. It wasn't like right after I took it, so I know it got in my stomach, but I tried so hard not to hurl. I pissed myself. TWICE. TMI, I am sorry. It is not a glorious life I tell you.
Tuesday, 02/05/13. I woke up sore from hurling the night before. I got up and went to work. I started to feel the nausea coming back. I was literally swallowing to fight the nausea. I left work at 1030. I just couldn't do it. I gave in and listened to my body and went home. I took a shower and laid in the bed with a wet wash cloth over my head and passed out. I didn't get up until 730 pm. I drank some broth, only to get nausea creeping up again, so I quickly took another shower and got my damp wash cloth and back in the bed. I took Wednesday off as per the NP's high suggestion and rested. I don't know what it is like to just sit still or just lay down. This just doesn't feel "normal" to me. More so, it is rough stuff not being able to hug and kiss on my baby boy. I miss him.
Thursday, 2/7/13. I got up feeling rested and better. Got to work with purpose. I had a long list of things that I needed to get accomplished. I got my payables caught up and the commission prelim spreadsheets done. I got the payable stuff ready for after the boss prints his reports for last month.  It was a busy day, but it felt good to catch up. I had to just remind myself that what didn't get accomplished this day could and would get done the next. I think I just got overwhelmed on Monday at the thought of all that needed to get done. It isn't like me to get overwhelmed by my regular tasks. My body was telling me to slow down and my mind was moving a bazillion miles a hour. By 5 pm, I was exhausted. I looked it and felt it. I went to get my taxes done because I finally had all the paperwork I needed and well, I need my refund like yesterday. I went home and watched some tv and then off to bed.
So, that brings us to today. I am exhausted still. I am so ready to go pick up my baby boy. He is ready too. I have decided not to let the stress bring me down, because in the long run, that will only hinder my healing progress. It is still early in the morning and I am feeling like I could use a good nap, but thankfully the day is progressing steadily.

Heprin bruise. yucky!

Day 3 post op ... not too bad. he used the same scars. 

I dropped the can opener on my foot and made a bruise. darn pain meds!

The scale as of 2/8/13. YAY! 

Surgery Day! EKKK!

Friday, February 1, 2013.
Wow, it came so fast and while I am physically ready for this to be done, I keep having moments of emotional turmoil.
I am concerned that I feel compelled to write the following:

If anything should happen to me, know that it is my wishes and deepest concern that Justice Schoen not be given to his father. Anthony McQueen has shown over the last 4 years that he has little concern with our child. He can't even be bothered to come and get our son on the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. His last few visits have been pick ups on Sunday around 11am and bring home at 8-9pm. This is not stability. While I am Justice's only true stability, he has been around my family more consistently than even being around his father.  His Godmother, Eva Flores, is who I would ask to be his caregiver.  These are my wishes.  If by no other chance Justice has to go with his father, then I make the request that CPS keep tabs on the situation.  I know for a fact that the other boys get left at home alone. The oldest is 13 or 14. That is still not a proper age to be leaving children at home.  My son is four. He needs supervision. A 14 year old cannot be that supervision.  My child also has complained about bullying from him older brother, Jordan. I would not want my child to be getting hit and picked on by his brothers. While I understand there is "brotherly love", Justice simply is NOT around them enough for him to be put in that situation in a full time capacity.

Whew, okay, now that is off my chest. I kept thinking this last night and then again this morning. I cringe at the thought of my baby having to endure that part of the "family" for more than just a couple of days. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that Anthony only comes to get Justice once or twice a month for just a day or two.

So, now I am just waiting for Tiffany to come and get me so we can head to True Results. I'll post updates later.

Justice,
Mommy loves you with all her heart!

Hitting the Refresh Button

Wednesday,  1/30/13.  Last night I went to the support group meeting. I was hesitant since I was not really feeling like I could motivate anyone else and I was certain that no one wanted to hear that I was going to have to do this all over again. But, alas, I went there anyway. I got there and talked to the NP that had helped me before and she is also over the support group night. Well, I told her about the surgeon visit and how I was waiting on someone from True Results to call me back and she said "well, that should be the office manager and she is still here." She went in there and told her that I was at the meeting and that I was waiting on a call back about surgery and she called me in to her office. I got set up for Friday. Alberto came to the meeting and showed quite a few exercises to the group. These were easy yet effective ways to work out at home. It was refreshing. Just what I was needing.
I forgot to ask her if the procedure was covered last night so I called and left a message this morning. I called again before lunch and then again after lunch. Finally, I got her on the phone to clarify. Nope, the surgery is covered. Whew! I got a call around 3 pm and my "port revision" is scheduled for Friday at 9am.  I say that loosely, because Dr. Hollis might just take it all and replace it all. He might as well make sure that we don't have to do this again!
Perspective : that moment when you realize that you have come a long way, yet still have a long ways to go. I've got to remember to count my blessings more than my failures or disappointments.

Redo .. Start Over .. Fresh Start

I went to see my surgeon today. Let me back track. 

I have been so anxious about seeing my surgeon. I almost fully expected to hear more excuses for the lack in functionality of this band. 

I got to the office and the receptionist was all "I need a copy of your driver's license and insurance card. There is also a $50 copay." To which I said, "They didn't tell me there was going to be a copay when the appointment was called in. I don't have that today. I don't get paid until Thursday. Why isn't this covered in my plan?" 

She responded with "This office is affiliated with True Results, but is its own entity. This is Dr. Hollis' person practice and so this is considered a specialist visit and so there is a copay."

I started crying. Actually, I was so built up with emotion and anticipation of what he was going to say that I was crying inside before she even said "hi" to me.  She, then, went on to tell me that I could come back on Thursday to see him. I left work at 930 am to get to the appointment and it was nearly 11. She wanted me to have to do this all over again and miss more work. I can't afford to do that. I called my boss crying and told him and he paid for the copay with me to repay him on Thursday. No problem. I just hate asking for help. I wouldn't need it if baby daddy would just pay his damn child support so that all my money isn't going to daycare. I can't blame him. I really need to refocus so that I am not dependent on that money. 

I digress. She ran the credit card and they called me back. I got weighed and was down 3 1/2 pounds from my weigh in on 1/17/13. Small victory. Mind you, I haven't been able to eat much because of my stress and anxiety.  I talked to the nurse practitioner first and then she went to get the doctor. He walked in and I was still in tears. I started telling him how this was supposed to be a lifestyle change and not just another diet and that I was struggling and making myself only do protein shakes because this band wasn't giving me satiety. I didn't understand what was going on or how this was going to be fixed. He calmed me down and said that it could be a faulty port, a pinhole in the tubing from being nicked during a fill or it could be the band. At any rate, the only fix was surgery. He said that True Results should cover the redo since I am still within my first year and that he would make this right. 

We walked out into the hall and he said "I think I am completely booked tomorrow, but let's look at Friday to get you in and fixed up."  

What the what??!!!??  He also said that he wanted the girls up front to give me a refund of my copay that I shouldn't have had to come all the way there for him to make that decision. They should have just got him the information and worked their magic without the trouble.  FINALLY! I am NOT totally cray cray! 

So, now I am waiting for that phone to ring. To find out if I have surgery this week or next week. Find out when this part of this journey will be over and I start fresh and new. 

More to come! 

Another Day ...

Friday, 1/25/13.  It has been a week since my last post and I am not sure how I am feeling.
Thursday 1/17/13 I had that day of emotions and then that night I went to water aerobics for the first time. It was so fun. I thought I was going to be the only fat one in there, then I wasn't. Friday was just a day. Went to the gym for training. Fought with baby daddy. Felt like I wanted to crawl into a whole and swallow all the ice cream I could get my hands on. Saturday, I got up and got out. Went to Ikea and let Justice play in the kid's club area while I shopped. I got him a shelving unit and some cubes for that. I felt like I got something accomplished. I went to Fiesta after that trip and walked around and got good stuff to fill my fridge and freezer with and then headed home. Sunday, went to Wal-mart and then to Sam's Club. Apparently, it was my weekend to WALK!
Monday 1/21/13, I went to training after work and then straight on to grief share at church. I was struggling because I found out that morning that my salesman's wife had passed away from cancer that morning at midnight. While she was no longer in pain and I do believe she went to heaven and is in a glorious place, I had just talked to her the previous Monday on the phone and gosh that last "hi Amber" will stay with me. *tear* .. that being said, I knew that I needed to go to church and be in my "safe" place to talk about my grief. It seems that this passing brought up the feelings again. I started getting what they call ambush feelings. I started to remember certain times in my losses and it made them feel brand new again. No Bueno. So, going and praying and doing the class helped.
However, the stress and anxiety over it made my chest and band tight. I wasn't able to eat much. Tuesday, 1/22/13, I was still fairly tight all day and was still only getting down protein shakes. I decided to try water aerobics with a different teacher and it was so good. She was like a drill sergeant and kept us moving the entire time. It was good and having Tiffany there as support was awesome.
Wednesday and Thursday were very tight days and I was still in my emotional funk. I decided to lay low at home. Thankfully, funds being as they are, I wasn't able to go splurge on junk food and was stuck with the healthy options already at my home. Friday was supposed to be a hour training session, but I remembered on Thursday that I had a surprise party to go to on Friday, so I cancelled the session. Friday was also the funeral for Dani. I struggled with my decision not to go all the way up until the funeral was over. It, for me, was a matter of doing what was best for my sanity. I felt that going would just set me back emotionally and bring up things that I wasn't ready to work on just yet. I am just now in the class and working through the process and I just got to where I couldn't sleep, eat or drink with anticipation of going.
Friday 1/25/13. RIP Dani Holeman. Happy Birthday Corliss King. It was a great surprise party. I was so happy to be there to support Tiffany in her endeavor to pull off this surprise party. Her mom was so surprised and enjoyed herself.
One thing I have learned from class .. you can have joy and grief at the same time. I am a testimony to that. Losing one friend and celebrating another all in the same day. God is good.

This will NOT defeat me

Thursday, January 17, 2013. So, today was weigh in and fluid measurement day. I think I totally anticipated today because yesterday I was in a total funk. I didn't even do the workout with my trainer whole heartedly. It really bums me out that even anticipating something without knowing it can funk up my mood without me knowing it. GRRR! Last weigh in I was 318 and today I was 321.5. WTF?!?

So, at last fill, there should have been 4.9cc in the band. She pulled it all out and there was 3.6 or 3.8cc. She said one and then the other. My bad for not really paying attention after I heard 3. Anyway it goes, this thing isn't maintaining the fluid. I can't imagine that I am raising my core so much that 1cc is evaporating each month. It really makes me wonder how I would feel if I was under the delusion that this band was working properly and I was the one that was failing and always hunger just by shear lack. 

We went into the x-ray room and they put in some dye. She put in 8cc and if felt like a foot was on my chest. I should have let her put in all 10cc, but the thought of more pressure was like OMG! We didn't see any leakage. Disheartening! I can't say that I wanted this thing to be leaking, but I wanted an tangible answer as to why this thing isn't holding the fluid. I am so exhausted from crying, yet I feel like I could cry a bucket still. Since she pulled out all the fluid and then filled it with the dye to 8cc and then pulled that out, she decided to only put in 4.5cc. It is less than what I had last time, but still some fill. Did the barium drink to make sure and there is some restriction. I guess I can tell a difference. I shouldn't have to be manipulated so much to get a restriction. Where is my satiety? The only time in this entire time I have been banded that I felt not hungry was when I had a sinus infection. I lost 8 lbs in 2 weeks. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't starving myself either. I wasn't going to the gym either. Still I lost 8 lbs. I have been going to the gym at least 3 times a week and doing the protein shakes and protein bars and eating salads. I sort of feel like I am depriving myself in the process. All this work and I gained. WTF? 

This hasn't been good for my emotional self. There is a sense of defeat. I DID THIS TO ME. Am I being punished for taking the "easy" way out? It hasn't been easy. The weight isn't just falling off. I try and stay positive and went in to this journey full on. I was ready. Today, I think that defeated girl showed her pretty little face. I am tired mentally, physically and emotionally. I just need a hug :(

Today's motto: Today is just 24 hours. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will just have to let today be today. They didn't promise it would be easy, they said it would be worth it. I am going to keep the faith. 

Funny how I always end these posts with something poignant. Today, I need to believe this.