I can't believe so much time has passed since my last entry. The last post was the day before my work's office party. That is almost 3 weeks ago. So, let's recap!
Friday, 12/21/12 was the Christmas party at work. I had gone and had a fill the night before. I knew I would be on a restricted intake, but didn't really realize how much I would be affected mentally until I wasn't. I had a late appointment at True Results and decided that since I was already there, I would just hang out for a couple of hours until the meeting. The meeting ended up being a Christmas party. It was bitter sweet. It was nice to see more people there. It was nice to see a table set up with healthy snacks and drinks. It felt refreshing to be around people that were like minded and had similar experiences. It wasn't, however, pleasant to be hungry and not be able to eat anything since I had just gotten an adjustment. It was also the same day that I found out that a leak may still be a possible answer, but that I would still have to be on the slow path to figuring out if this was something that was in fact happening. I am supposed to be at 4.9cc right now. It will be determined when I go back on 1/17/13.
Friday, I brought Ashley (my sister for those who don't know) to work with me since she was invited to the party by the bosses. They love her and wanted to wish her congrats on graduating from Sam Houston University. I, too, graduated. I finished my course requirements for my associate's degree. Neither one of us walked in a ceremony, so it really doesn't feel "real" to me. Anywho, I stopped for donuts for the office and then dropped Justice off at school. Got to work and started to get things done since we sit down for lunch at noon and then are off until the day after Christmas. As the noon hour approached, I felt like I was hungry and ready to eat. We had Pappacitos catered. So, on my plate was some rice, beans, tamale and some fajita meat. I was able to eat. I went slow and eased into it, but was able to enjoy the meal. I have my band to thank for that. I suppose the looseness of the band isn't so bad, but it isn't doing what it is designed to do. Or at least what I signed up for, so it leaves me feeling bittersweet.
I got a nice bonus and was able to go shopping after work and then the next day. Part of me knew I should put the money in the bank, but the other part wanted to buy for the people that I love. So, being the giver that I am, I bought. I did, however, do something smart, which was to go get my car insurance. I made sure to get at least one necessity out of the way.
Saturday was the Christmas party with my cousins, Nico and Thule and their respective partners and family. It was fun. Justice had a great time and got presents. I love that my kid is so loved. I can go without getting things as long as my son is happy. This is such a revelation and change from the selfish person that I was before I knew what it was like to love someone more than myself. Come to find out, I always loved others more than I loved myself because I let myself get to this unhealthy place. This miserable place of not even being comfortable in my own skin. This place that makes me want to just close the blinds, the curtains and sleep. Just be alone and not have to deal with the outside world. Yet, I get depressed because I am alone. I am never really alone, but I do get a sense of loneliness because of lack of adult companionship. I don't mean sex, but the real stuff. Sitting down watching television, talking, going out to a movie and even going out to eat. While going out to eat isn't the same anymore, it certainly would be nice to be treated to some adult time and just to get to be Amber again. My life now is Amber and Justice. I don't know a life of just Amber anymore. I wouldn't change it for the world because he is my life and my reason for living, but at the same time there is a part of me that just wants to feel like Amber again. Insert time for Justice to be with his father for a weekend! I have to admit that I have quite a bit of resentment towards Justice's father for not pulling his weight in the parenting department. I blame myself for lack of ability to communicate, but he just puts a fire in my belly that makes me want to scream, yell and cry when having to deal with him. I come from that place of a broken little girl that loved her daddy, but didn't get to have him be an everyday presence in my life. I will never be with Justice's father, so I can't say that I want this for Justice. I have no respect for a man that will come over if it is for me, but doesn't come get his son every other weekend or even just whenever so that his son can spend time with him and his brothers. It hurts my feelings honestly. It is rather degrading and overall just really hurtful that my son and I mean so very little to this man. I don't have to mean a damn thing to him, but it would be nice to be able to communicate and the words not be full of disdain.
I digress. Christmas Eve, we went over to my uncle's house for the family gathering there. Justice again got a present. This mother is a happy one. The excitement on his face was priceless. I didn't even know they were going to give him a present! I didn't make it to midnight mass. I definitely have to work on getting back to church. Christmas morning he woke up and was so excited. I was so overjoyed at the surprise in both Ashley and Justice when the presents were for both of them. I know now how my mom felt. It was all about the happiness on our faces and she would feel a little disappointment that she didn't get a lot of presents, but the best present of all was the smiles on our faces. Justice got picked up later by his dad for Christmas with them. I guess I want so much more for my son. I was disappointed that he came home with clothes and 2 toys. I got him all toys and a pair of shoes. I was disappointed, but at the same time, he needed those clothes. I guess it wasn't so bad after all. Justice got to stay home with aunt Ashley for the rest of the week.
I was truly an emotional wreck. Dealing with my feelings of not having my mom and sister there, but seeing how Justice interacted with Ashley was so sweet. He would ask her to come play with him and she would hesitate, but gave in. He loved every minute of having her home. He even cried when she would leave without us.
Next up, Happy New Year! I found myself in the place where I have been many a time. Alone and home. This time it was just me and Justice. Last year, we went to a New Year's house party. Then I came home and Justice got in his bed and I spent time with James. It was nice. This year, we stayed up and watched television, played games on the Playstation and Wii and then watched more television. We didn't get to bed until 3am! We didn't wake up until 11 am. The day sure does go by fast when you sleep half the way through it. I got up and made cabbage, black-eyed peas and cornbread. We had that for brunch and dinner. It was nice. Ashley came home from her night out with her friends and just spent the rest of the night hanging out.
Justice got to spend the rest of the week with Aunt Donna during the day while I was at work. He needed that break from daycare and I needed that break from paying for daycare. Thank goodness for family!
New year, new goals. I was added to a group on Facebook that was full of people who had gone through weight loss surgery. From that group, I was added to another group of people that were starting a challenge that would be supportive and help get us back on track in this weight loss journey. The challenge officially started on January 2nd. Along with doing the challenge, I decided that it was time to bite the bullet and get back to the gym. I also started trying green smoothies. I have yet to perfect the recipe to something I could stomach drinking daily, but it was a nice attempt at healthy.
After three days of drinking green smoothies, I was down 8lbs, but a headache was my foe. I wasn't sure if it was a headache because I wasn't getting in enough calories during the day or enough sugar or if I was coming down with something. I had that headache for a few days. It would come and go, but surely wasn't pleasant at all and it just made me tired. All I wanted to do was sleep. I feared that the headache was depression related. I still am going through the motions of grief, and I have to admit that I have put some of the feelings on the back burner. It is hard to write about my mom and sister and not get teary eyed. Hell, I just got teary eyed writing that. I miss them both so very much. Every single day I think of them and every single day I miss them. The hurt of the loss gets a little less, but the missing them is still so very much there. My sister was my best friend. I miss that. (tear) She was my biggest cheerleader and she loved my so so very much. I used to see my nephews every day too. It is hard that I don't have that relationship with them anymore. While I would love to blame it all on their father, it really is just hard to drive out there and go through the motions again like I did when my sister was alive. A part of me feels like I abandoned them. I wish I had the money to take them away from their situation and have them with me. I would love for Justice to have grown up with those boys. They could be teaching him how to play football, baseball and basketball. The things that he doesn't get now. However, I can't dwell in the shoulda, coulda, and woulda. I have to accept things as they are and try to better the situations in my life.
This brings us to this week. I struggled a little, but I am making it through. The headaches have been a pain in my ass. Not only do they make me feel bad, but they keep me from doing the things that I want, need and desire to do. I didn't make it to the grief share on Monday. I did, however, make it to my training session. I got it in! It was nice to get that good workout in, but each day since I haven't felt up to going to the gym. Tonight is Zumba again. I am really looking forward to it and refuse to feel bad and talk myself out of going. This class is not only good for my body, but good for my mind. It gets me out of the house and gets me moving. I get home and think of all the things that need to be done and then I find ways to talk myself out of doing them. I am a clean freak, so the fact that I haven't washed clothes in almost 2 weeks brings my mojo down. I also need to clean and I mean really really clean. Sweep, mop and disinfect everything. Hard to do that when my kid is asking me something every 2 minutes. Once again, this is the time that baby daddy needs to step the funk up and take Justice for an entire weekend so that I can get all of the above accomplished!
So, on to today. I moved the weight loss blog so that every post is a new post. I wanted to be able to blog and not have to edit the blog every time I wanted to add something new. I figured it was time to get this going right and in my way.
Today's motto... if yesterday was a bad day, today is a new day. Live each day for the 24 hours that it is. God starts new every day, so should we. Let it be. Let go and Let God.