This will NOT defeat me

Thursday, January 17, 2013. So, today was weigh in and fluid measurement day. I think I totally anticipated today because yesterday I was in a total funk. I didn't even do the workout with my trainer whole heartedly. It really bums me out that even anticipating something without knowing it can funk up my mood without me knowing it. GRRR! Last weigh in I was 318 and today I was 321.5. WTF?!?

So, at last fill, there should have been 4.9cc in the band. She pulled it all out and there was 3.6 or 3.8cc. She said one and then the other. My bad for not really paying attention after I heard 3. Anyway it goes, this thing isn't maintaining the fluid. I can't imagine that I am raising my core so much that 1cc is evaporating each month. It really makes me wonder how I would feel if I was under the delusion that this band was working properly and I was the one that was failing and always hunger just by shear lack. 

We went into the x-ray room and they put in some dye. She put in 8cc and if felt like a foot was on my chest. I should have let her put in all 10cc, but the thought of more pressure was like OMG! We didn't see any leakage. Disheartening! I can't say that I wanted this thing to be leaking, but I wanted an tangible answer as to why this thing isn't holding the fluid. I am so exhausted from crying, yet I feel like I could cry a bucket still. Since she pulled out all the fluid and then filled it with the dye to 8cc and then pulled that out, she decided to only put in 4.5cc. It is less than what I had last time, but still some fill. Did the barium drink to make sure and there is some restriction. I guess I can tell a difference. I shouldn't have to be manipulated so much to get a restriction. Where is my satiety? The only time in this entire time I have been banded that I felt not hungry was when I had a sinus infection. I lost 8 lbs in 2 weeks. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't starving myself either. I wasn't going to the gym either. Still I lost 8 lbs. I have been going to the gym at least 3 times a week and doing the protein shakes and protein bars and eating salads. I sort of feel like I am depriving myself in the process. All this work and I gained. WTF? 

This hasn't been good for my emotional self. There is a sense of defeat. I DID THIS TO ME. Am I being punished for taking the "easy" way out? It hasn't been easy. The weight isn't just falling off. I try and stay positive and went in to this journey full on. I was ready. Today, I think that defeated girl showed her pretty little face. I am tired mentally, physically and emotionally. I just need a hug :(

Today's motto: Today is just 24 hours. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will just have to let today be today. They didn't promise it would be easy, they said it would be worth it. I am going to keep the faith. 

Funny how I always end these posts with something poignant. Today, I need to believe this.